GRIEF AND THE HOLIDAYS

Dad was his usual self at Thanksgiving, he enjoyed the turkey, drank lots of coffee and complimented my sugar cream pie by eating 2 pieces and taking some home. I was wondering if he would come to dinner because he had good days and bad days and we never knew when he would make it to a gathering. But he came, and he enjoyed the day with all of our family. He gave me a hard time over the “internet” tv and why in the h*** can’t you get the game? He was excited to see my grandson when he got there, and it was an overall good time. We had no idea he would be gone at Christmas.

The hardest part about a long term illness is that you never know. I mean, we never know, even when we are healthy because death can come at any time, but when someone is aged, and not in “good” health, you expect that it could happen, but you think there will be signs or a “falling ill” when you will have time to process what is about to come. But often, that is not the case. Death comes when it chooses and we have no control and little in the way of prediction. My dad passed away on a Wednesday, I was at Hobby Lobby with my husband when my mom called and said she had “found” dad and she had called 911 and they were “working” on him. We left in a fury and sped towards the hospital. As we approached town, I called her phone and she was crying and told me not to go to the hospital but to come to the house. In that moment the feelings I was having were solidified. The news was not good, dad was gone. It was 3 days before Christmas, the gifts were wrapped and under the tree. The ornaments purchased for our ornament exchange, the cookies baked and the food ready to be prepared…but dad would not be there to participate. We were left to carry the weight of our grief, left to try to celebrate the holidays without even being able to process our loss. It was surreal to say the very least.

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Dad was the cook of our family. I grew up with dad in the kitchen and this is how I choose to remember him. Always a grin or a smirk, usually with his hat, and always with his quirky attitude. He made the worlds best potato salad, everyone wanted Chuck’s potato salad at every family get together. I didn’t like the way he made chili, but I loved his fried pork chops and smoked sausage. He kept us fed, and fed well. He loved his family beyond measure and we never had to wonder because he always gave hugs, kisses and told us he loved us. He was also an outdoorsman. He loved hunting and golfing and during my daughters time with her high school golf team, dad was always there, he coached her, taught her and encouraged her, I’m pretty sure he was her biggest fan (and she knew it). So while illness and death claims the life of someone you love, your memories are yours and that is where you can choose how to remember that person.

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So how do you deal with grief when it comes so close to the holidays? I think grief is grief no matter when it occurs. The loss of a loved one is crushing and there is never a good time for it to come. The hardest part for me and the recent loss of my dad was being prepared to celebrate the holidays with him. I felt bad that I baked all the cookies but was waiting until Christmas Eve to send home cookie boxes, he never got his. He loved buckeyes and he didn’t get a single one, that makes me feel terrible. I wish I had just sent some back home with mom when she came to help so he could have enjoyed them. Then there’s the presents under the tree. The night he passed, I came home and still in shock I sat on my couch and just stared at his gift under the tree. It was right in front, beautifully wrapped and sporting a cute little mini red crochet beanie ornament that I had made for the packages. The wrapping paper had old red trucks on it and I knew he would love it. He never got to open it. That’s hard.

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He passed 3 days before Christmas, and his funeral was held the day after Christmas, so it was strange to have our family gather on Christmas Eve and Christmas without dad, but still not having closure because we hadn’t yet had a funeral or burial. The day before Christmas eve, my mom and I went to the funeral home to make the arrangements, fill out the obituary information, take in his clothes and jewelry, and choose a casket. There just aren’t words to describe how that feels. It’s darkness and uncertainty with surety and finality all rolled into one.

We went about the next 3 days numb. We went through the motions of the holidays all without really registering what was happening around us. Once the holidays were “celebrated”, the final day arrived. We went to the funeral home to say goodbye and to remember dad’s life.

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There is nothing that can prepare you for loss. You just have to step into it and do what feels right for you. There was a heavy thick fog as we got closer to town, it was strange looking, the clouds so low to the earth. We picked mom up and went to the funeral home for the family time prior to the beginning of visitation. We chose to do all services in one day. When we got inside, they led us to the viewing room and I froze. I couldn’t go in. I couldn’t look. I managed to make my way to a small room adjacent the viewing area where I could see into the room and I just stood there with my husband and sobbed. It took the entire 40 minutes we were there prior to opening the doors for viewing before I could make myself approach the casket. I went alone, mom had stepped away to watch some of the memorial video and my husband was in the restroom, I went up and just cried. I took his hand and cried to myself. The feeling is just beyond understanding. When you lose someone who has been so big and such a presence in your life, there is no explaining. When my husband came back I went to a sofa in another adjacent room and sat while the visitors came. Walking into the room I felt like there was no oxygen. I couldn’t stay in there. The service was just as difficult because I had to set in that room.

The flowers were beautiful, the service was lovely, but still just a blur to me. I’m so thankful for a responsible and caring staff at the funeral home who led us through this very difficult time.

My dad was buried that same day with full military rights. It was a lovely graveside service, and I am thankful for the honor he was bestowed.

Four points of advice for anyone dealing with loss during the holidays.

1. Don’t be afraid to feel the things. Anger, hurt, sadness, fear. These are all emotions that are normal to feel when someone loses a loved one. If you feel upset or sad, take the time you need to process those feelings and if you can’t take part in a celebration because of it, never feel obliged to participate. I’m sure your friends and family will understand your need to take care of yourself.
2. Say NO. If you have been called on to do more than you think you can physically or emotionally handle, say No. There is no right or wrong and saying no is not wrong.
3. Listen to your body. If you are feeling tired, take a nap. If you need to go for a walk, get some exercise. Whatever you are feeling that is within reason, go with it.
4. Seek help. If you feel that your grief is more than you can handle or you are showing signs of depression, seek medical help. I had a routine visit set up with my Dr. the day after my dad passed. It was just for lab follow up, but I was glad that I could see my doctor, let him know what had transpired and hear his words of wisdom on the matter. If its days, weeks, or months after a loss and you just don’t feel “right” seek help.

I would pray that no one has to deal with a loss like this during the holiday season, but I know that just isn’t reality. Loss comes at all times and no date or time of the year is off limits. If you find yourself in this situation, I hope you find comfort here and that these tips will help you deal with the grief you are carrying.

Blessings to all.

xoxo